Often, we go about life and when asked to talk about ourselves, as in my case, it’s easy to say, well… I’m a mother, a daughter and a sister and proceed to maybe even identify with the role I do in my job. I live in Canada therefore, I identify as a Canadian, a Calgarian, I also speak English and identify as that as well. I think we can all relate to identifying this way. But have you ever put more thought into it, and really took a close look at what else you identify as? I am talking about going deeper and taking an inside look at how you identify in ways that you may not be aware of but could be determining your beliefs and how you are living your life. We identify in many ways; we all have thoughts about ourselves that run the gamut from positive to negative. There are traits were proud of, skills we possess, insecurities we obsess over, deficiencies we worry about, etc. When you add all these together they become your personal identity – the way you think about yourself…and that is a very powerful thing. Your identity or brand as some would call it, determines what you look for in the world and how you make your decisions is also controlled by this. If you identify by “I can’t follow through” or “I am not like that”, “I could never do that”, “I’m not good enough”, “I always lose”, “I’m a smoker”, “I’m a procrastinator” versus “I’m a winner”, “I always find a solution”, then you have identified as such. Identity is simply the way you describe yourself to yourself – the belief we use to define our own individuality. It’s the combination of the beliefs about who you are, what you’re capable of and how you distinguish yourself from everyone else in the world. There is no other force this powerful in human personality. In other words, your identity determines your beliefs, and your beliefs determine your behaviour. When your identity is out of alignment with your goals, you’re never going to take the actions needed to achieve them and there will always be an internal struggle going on and sometimes it comes out as sabotage and other times procrastination. Bottom line is this internal struggle keeps you stuck where you are.
I quit smoking 6 years ago and I use to identify as a smoker, and it wasn’t until I decided to quit that I had to change that part of how I identified in order to have lasting results. I struggled for years to start writing even though it was something I always wanted to do, again, it wasn’t until I started identifying as a writer, that I was able to believe it enough to have the courage to start this blog. I think you get the picture here of how this works. If there’s something out there that you have held back starting, or a habit you want to stop doing, taking a closer look at how you identify and adjust accordingly will make a world of difference in how courageous or successful you become in that area. Being a fan of crime drama, after every episode of the popular CSI TV show, I often have the song in my head called, “Who Are You” written ironically by the Who. The TV show’s theme song is to signify the murdered victims they centered each episode on. So, while this reference denotes the identity of the dead, it begs the question among the living – who are you? Have you ever asked yourself that? It’s fascinating that for years, I had never put much thought into this outside of the usual surface level regurgitated answers when asked. So, if I, like many others, cite our backgrounds, experiences and interests, how do we get to what our true identity is and what are the building blocks that create the person we identify as throughout our lives?
In this article, I want to focus on personal identity and not so much on social. In order to understand the difference between the two, here’s a brief look at what social identity is. An article published on Y Studio’s website says, “People recognize us by our characteristics within our town, school, career or another community context. Society will identify each person from these characteristics, then place the individual in a collective group with others that share those same characteristics. Some social identities might be defined by our marital, financial, occupational, religious or behavioral status”. In other words, we are put into a category based on how we go about our external world. When I look back at how far we have evolved in Canada with regards to same sex marriages and sexual identity, I can see how social identity plays a big part sometimes in how we internalize with our personal. Now a days people can choose who they marry – which sex they want to be romantically involved with, and who they sexually or gender wise want to be identified as and, in some cases, they choose to not identify as a certain sex at all (Asexuality). Stereotypes around this whole realm have changed dramatically over the last decade and are busting the barriers of how we are socially identified. From this example, you can see how some stereotypes will remain constant and as the world evolves, some social identifications will change.
The main thing I want to highlight is how we can choose to identify in many ways and I want to look at what we have control over. It’s a matter of knowing how you want to identify and then going about the action necessary to make the changes from who you are now to who you want to be and identify as that. As mentioned, our identity is shaped by everything we do, from choices we make to the decisions we avoid. It comes from our view of the world and how we see ourselves in it and how we choose to engage with our surroundings. I think there are moments in our life that we identify a certain way and then something out of our control shifts such as when an employer forces an employee to take early retirement. It can be a struggle in the beginning for some as they have put a lot of their identity into that career, and they just can’t see past who they would be if they didn’t work. Or if someone went to school for a professional designation and then were laid off, and if no vacant postings in that discipline some struggle to even think of looking for work outside that field as they just couldn’t see themselves as anything else. Some people struggle with this so much that they take their own lives as they just can’t see past this identity or don’t know how to change it to something else. It definitely can take a toll on mental health and in these economic times, it has become a tragedy. When people lose a loved one and they have been a spouse, partner or caregiver for any length of time, it can be very difficult for those left behind to see their identity without the role they played with that person. When someone goes through a divorce, it can be harder on some than others depending on how stuck they are in identifying as a married person when they suddenly find themselves single again. I spent 10 years after my divorce trying to recreate my identity, but I wasn’t doing it consciously. Like another well-known story, it felt like I was in the desert for 40 years, it didn’t need to be if I had known what I do now about identity. It was so much easier to identify my role as a full-time mother and wife than it was to be a part-time mother and a single woman again. I stumbled around a lot getting swayed by various external distractions that probably weren’t the best thing for me at the time but when we have an interruption in who we think we are, it leaves the hole open to let all sorts of crap in to influence us unless we take control of that. An identity crisis happens when you don’t know who you are. Understanding how you want to identify can make transitions smoother and allow for habits that don’t serve us to be replaced with healthier ones, and goal setting can be much easier. We have more control over how we identify then we realize.
So, we now know our personal identity is how we perceive ourselves, and quite often we think we are showing people a certain portrayal of ourselves when in fact they are seeing us very differently. Have you ever known anyone who says one thing but then their actions show up differently? In their mind, they are in sync when in fact, they aren’t, and they have no clue of this polarity. Cognitive dissonance happens when we aren’t aware of how we identify or what our beliefs of ourselves are so that our behaviours match up with the perception we have of ourselves. This is another reason it’s so important to get a handle on your identities and be in the driver’s seat of how you operate.
How does language fit in with our persona?
Language is such a power concept because it has the ability to completely shape your personal identity. The use of words and phrases significantly impacts your thoughts and character that makes up your personal identity. Language is an extremely powerful tool that aids in building new relationships and experiences. When someone speaks to another person, the attitude, tonality, and posture plays a major role in the impression about that person. A formal language with clean presentation and a stiff posture provides a firm, respectful impression. On the other hand, a more colloquial language and informal presentation reduces the respectful impression and provokes a friendly one. Language does not just include words and phrases, also presentation and posture. Body language is also a part of language, which helps other people in society identify one person from another. Our responsibility in society is to develop a self-identity that is unique from the others but often to fit in, we conform, and it is done by how we speak, and the words and phrases used and the meaning we attach to those words.
So now we know, what we say has meaning and forms our identity, and that our language programs us through the phrases and words we say that are reinforced by the meaning we give to it. Then it makes sense that the words we attach to our experiences become our experiences. The words we speak change our biochemistry and the words change our feelings. It’s so important to pay attention to the words you speak. If they are of a negative connotation, then you will have an identity of being a negative person and your experiences will reflect this versus someone who always uses positive words and phrases to have a more pleasurable life. One word can change the meaning of something which then can change the emotion as well. Our language programs us and therefore our identity. When you put focus on what you are saying and become aware of what you are speaking you will notice if what you say lines up with how you want to identify. By reframing your phrases and words where possible to stay on the positive side of the meaning of the word, will help you be consistent with regards to how you want to identify. Assuming of course, you want to identify as a positive person moving their life forward towards a compelling future!
Let’s recap and incorporate some tools and strategies
So here we are at the point where it’s time to understand how to do all of this – how do we go about uncovering what our identity is that’s running in the background on autopilot? Now adays, businesses are using our persona to market consumerism to us – they’ve even named us “customer avatars”. They get into our minds, based on our behaviour by using algorithms on social media and our phones. It’s because our identity predicts certain patterns that determine how we make decisions and how we shop etc. Then there’s the personal avatar you can create yourself on social media platforms to identify how you want people to see you. You don’t necessarily have to set it up as you currently are, you can set up your avatar to be something you have always wanted to be. They say the avatar is the most conspicuous online manifestation of people’s desire to try out alternative identities or project some private aspect of themselves. Video games allow people to do this also. I say, why not just live the way you want in real life instead of fantasizing about it!!
I bring up the avatar concept so you can use the same behavioural information these algorithms use to uncover your current identities and understand where you are now in order to figure out the gap to where we want to be. We judge things we have done and settle for that as who we are. Don’t settle, choose who you want to be and reinforce it. Define yourself in a way that aligns your identity with who you want to be. If you’re not getting the relationship or body you want, it’s because of how you believe you are. So that’s where you need to start. If you want to change your life, change your story of who you believe you are. Think of something you want to be doing and aren’t, that’s a great place to start. We have multiple identities, and the secret is to find the identities that lift us up and the ones that don’t serve us. Then take the action that reinforces that identity. So, using the simple example – if you want to have your ideal weight and body, then you need to identify as a healthy fit person and put the action in to regularly exercise and eat healthy. You can do this with anything you want to identify with.
Tap into the beliefs of who you think you are. Ask yourself what makes you different and unique that you could use – what roles, emotions, metaphors, feedback from others, accomplishments or past failures. Figure out the essence of you. Get conscious of your beliefs around this. Pay attention to conversations you have with others around whether you say, “I can do that or I can’t”. It will give you insight into how you perceive yourself. Keep a running list of these.
Once you’ve uncovered who you currently are, then it’s time to figure out who you want to be and go through your current list and determine which ones you want to keep, that serve you in your overall idea of who you want to continue to be. Make a note of the ones you don’t want to keep. Now think of someone you really admire and then jot down what it is you admire about them. There should be more than one person you admire so keep going through the list of people and their character, behaviour, passions and determine if anything matches up on your list of current identities you want to keep. Pay attention to the ones that aren’t on your list and decide if you also want to show up as these and add them to your list of go forward identities.
You should now have 3 lists – one list of identities you need to let go of, ones you want to keep and reinforce, and a third list of new ones to incorporate. This seems like a lot of work, and it is, but it doesn’t have to be done all at once, we are work in progress. If you are being mindful of this, as you go about your day, you will be adding to one of your 3 lists as you uncover behaviour, beliefs, phrases and words you use and qualities, passions and behaviour in others not already captured on your list.
Since you have a few lists, it can seem overwhelming so short list from the identities you want and pick one or two that you know you can implement right away that will make the biggest impact and start with these, as well as one or two from the list you want to get rid of. It’s the same work for both lists. You put action to it right away. You start living and identifying as such. Work on your language and meaning you give to what you say to reframe what is contributing to the identity you don’t want to keep and start using language for how you want to identify. Remember, you also need to listen for the stories you tell about yourself that keeps you trapped in this unwanted behaviour and start speaking a new narrative that aligns with how you want to identify. As Tony Robbins says, “change your story, change your life”.
How you move your body determines your identity as well. Last weeks’ article, “Do Emotions Have Energy and Can We Harness That” was on Physiology and how you can change your emotional state and by doing that your emotional state will also determine your identity. It’s takes a lot of focus, but if you do that coupled with keeping a high energy state to keep you motivated, you will make positive changes. Expand your view of who you are and do things that demonstrate and reinforce this identity. Start using incantations which are “I am” statements – speaking something about yourself with total conviction every day to train yourself and reinforce your identity.
At the end of the day, it comes to this…asking yourself the questions of who you are. Who do you want to be? And where are the gaps between those? Once you have that figured out then communicating it to reinforce the new identity. And then live it and let others know who you truly are! Whatever we identify with we become. We don’t do what we are capable because we live how we believe we are. It’s time to step up and believe – the world will be a brighter place when we are living in the essence of our true unique selves!