A lot of people ask me why my articles are categorized on the website under “stories from the wood” and I thought it was time to shed some light on that. For those of you that aren’t use to frequenting a pub, “the wood” is known as the wooded area you sit up at that surrounds the bartender to get served food and alcohol and is referenced by many English/Irish ex pats. When I got divorced 14 years ago, I suddenly found myself alone in my home every other week while my children were at their dads, and I had to navigate this strange world of the single life at 40! I hadn’t been single for 15 years at this point, and quite frankly was scared to death! My friend circle had mostly disappeared, I lost them in the divorce so to speak. I had a few that stuck by my side but unfortunately they lived a few hours away, so essentially, in the city I lived in, I was starting over again. It was a very challenging time for me and coming out of a failed marriage certainly left me with a lot of insecurities. I was also extremely introverted or so I thought, and my sister suggested I find a local pub, go in and meet some strangers and turn them into friends. I had only been in one or two pubs my entire marriage so wasn’t really familiar with the concept but thought I would give it a try.
I found a local Irish pub in the new neighborhood I had moved into 3 months prior and proceeded to park and enter the establishment. As I got close to the front door, I found myself filled up with fear and I ran back to my car. Then I went home and never tried again for the rest of the week. I had my kids the following week and then another one went by, and I suddenly found myself feeling lonely again and my sister prodded me to go back to the pub and give it a try again. I somehow found the courage this time to go in and I found another home full of wonderful people that soon became my friends and 14 years on, there is a regular group of people that I meet up with, some I socialize with outside of there and even found my best mate and our families vacation together, but reflecting back to those first few weeks, I was terrified. It was definitely outside my comfort zone but I’ve learned that without risk there’s not reward. A few months later, my daughter turned 18 and she was able to accompany me into my neighbourhood pub for a visit and a meal. She was astounded at who I had become; this chatty person that said hi to everyone in there. This was so out of character from the mother she knew a few short months prior when she headed off for University. That pub became a blessing and a curse for me in that I met so many amazing people and many I have formed very close friendships with, but it also meant by spending time in there, my alcohol intake was up and my bank account down!! All in all, I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. It brought me out of my shell and taught me the value of what a conversation with a stranger can bring. I have had many laughs and heard many stories from sitting at the wood and lives have been changed. When I decided to start a blog, “Stories from the Wood” helped shape me into the person I am today and it was only fitting that I honour that part of my life with the stories told here. There have been lots of times, I have heard some amazing stories over the years, and met some great characters and it’s often where I get my ideas and thoughts for the articles I write here. Encounters with strangers have led me to reflect on who I am by something they may have observed about me or something they said that triggered an emotion and I always try to look at that as an opportunity to better myself.
I have a few friends who grew up in the U.K where it’s a normal everyday occurrence for families to meet up at the pub after work/school. Because children are allowed in at any age, it builds a sense of community growing up that way. The first time I went over to Scotland in 2010, I had a chance to witness first hand what it’s like to be in a pub with children as back then it was not common at all in North America. There has been a recent trend in the last couple of years here but it’s not a way of life like it in U.K and Europe so the vibe is not quite the same. When I saw families gathering in the pub over there and how each member of the regular group of patrons in those neighborhood pubs, I saw something that amazed me. Everyone was having a conversation with the kids and expanding their experiences and these children were being exposed to what a sense of community really is. I took my son over there a few years later when he was 15 he has said that his experience those few weeks in the pub was an opportunity for him to come out of his shell and talk to strangers and it has supported him in who he is with regards to being open to learn from others and have confidence to talk to people. You have to remember most teenagers are so caught up in social media that it’s difficult for them to have a conversation in real life with actual people. As weird as this might be for older generations, it’s a problem for younger folks. Spending alot of time with their nose in a video game, computer, phone or tablet does not build the skillset for having conversations and when they finish school and get out into the real world, they struggle to get jobs and I know some parents that have gone as far as applying and dropping resumes off at businesses on behalf of their teenagers/young adults as their children don’t have the confidence to do it themselves.
Not long before we went on this trip in 2012, my son couldn’t even pick up the phone and talk to a stranger to order pizza when our internet was not working one night. That’s how bad it had gotten for him. It was a realization for me and I knew I needed to get him some support. So this exposure on our trip was massive for transforming him into the adult that was then able to apply, pass interviews and get a part time job while he was in high school after we got back. He was forced out of his comfort zone with my friends over there and the community they invited us into and it was the start of a solid foundation of skills to carry on conversations in person with adults. He has since spent the last 8 years working in a customer service capacity and management role and that few weeks in Scotland visiting the pubs supported him to be able to then take on a role dealing with strangers. I know firsthand, that when there isn’t a lot of male influence in a teenagers life, which was the case for my son, that conversations with adult men in a safe environment giving advice shaped this teenagers life, I think it’s probably similar to what takes place with Big Brothers and Sisters programs.
My U.K friends have mentioned that for them over there, if you are out of a job or need advice on where to get something or need a service provided, you start at the pub as there is such a cultural network built in to that lifestyle, and those establishments are where many people get what they need. I’m not promoting drinking alcohol as I know lots of people who frequent the pub and don’t drink (just have pop or water and get connection and socialization they need on a regular basis), but I am trying to relay how putting yourself in public, in a situation where you can have that interaction can really have a positive impact on you, your family and the stranger we meet!
I have since applied that same theory from what I learnt at that local Irish pub to other pubs all over the world and in airports, on planes, buses and trains as I tend to travel a lot on my own. The skillset of being able to go outside my comfort zone and start a conversation has added to who I have become over the years. By applying that same attitude, I have said hello or commented something to people in parks or at the store where it boosted my mood and there’s as well. This short interruption added so much value to the essence of who I have become in so many ways that it’s very normal for me most of the time. I also know, I have been able to lift others spirits up along the way when I have reached out. I have had many people comment that they appreciated these chats and brought some sense of happiness to them that I feel confident in knowing the contribution it brings to others that it’s a no brainer for me to try and be mindful of this when I leave my house.
Several years ago, I was curious and wondered why it was so easy for me to be open and chatty with strangers when I wasn’t like this with my family. I went searching for answers and came across a TED talk by Kio Stark. After watching that, I purchased her book called “When Strangers Meet, How People You Don’t Know Can Transform You”, and I was fascinated by what she had written about this topic. What I didn’t realize was happening at the time when I got so comfortable doing this with strangers was that I was actually fulfilling a need of connection and intimacy. Not the intimacy we would necessarily find with our oved ones close to us but what Stark calls, “Fleeting or Street Intimacy”. Stark says, “When you talk to strangers, you make beautiful and surprising interruptions in the expected narrative of your daily life. You shift perspective. You form momentary, meaningful connections”.
My mom and dad were both good at striking up conversations with strangers. It always amazed me when I was out somewhere with them that they could just start telling strangers in a doctor’s office or a line up at the grocery store personal information about themselves and they had reciprocation from the other person. Often, I was embarrassed of this when I was younger and only when I was put in a position to have to find ways to make new friends, did I respect this skill my parents had developed. My mom would look forward to going out in public to meet new people and have these conversations, it was how she connected. Afterall being married with only her and my dad at home for so many years, that was her outlet. My mom would sometimes take that connection with strangers a bit further. Prior to her stroke a couple years ago, she was a great baker – she would make cookies for every grandchild as each had their favourite grandma cookies which never seemed to be the same as the others. She prided herself on supporting this individuality and whenever one of us or our children popped by for a visit, there would be a care package specifically prepared of all their favourite baked goods. It would only make sense that when mom got to know a stranger, if it was at a place where they worked and she could find them again, that she would start bringing them cookies or other baked goods as well. It was as if she lived her life to meet strangers and if possible, make them acquaintances and then friends all in the pursuit to be able to spread her love of baking and make them feel special.
These “Fleeting or Street Intimacy” – encounters with strangers, can only come from conversations with passing or with a nod on the sidewalk or a “hello” on the bus or in a lineup. You find it in all places where people who don’t know each other, cross paths. What happens is your existence as a person has been noticed and spoken to, you have been seen. Stark mentions that, “When we say hello or good morning, have a nice day, all of these phrases are known to linguistics as phatic communication. They’re things we say that have little semantic value – were not really communicating anything factual or necessary. What they have is tremendous social value. These meaningless, meaningful words are used between strangers as well as between people who are close. What we mean when we say those things is this: I see you there, hello. These mere acknowledgements carry genuine pleasure and togetherness. We don’t want a real answer, we’re affirming each other’s existence – and that is no small thing”.
Studies have been done where a group of people were asked to talk to a barista at a Starbucks and another group to not have that interaction. The group that made conversations, left with positive feelings. These experiments have been done on a train as well with the same results. I know for me; I feel better when I have made some sort of kind gesture to someone on the sidewalk or in the store. For many of the times, my gestures are reciprocated and I’m sure both of us felt good after but there are times when no gesture is returned. This doesn’t leave me feeling rejected like it does with someone I know who doesn’t acknowledge me. This is another reason people tend to find connection with strangers, there isn’t any attachment there as we would have with interactions with people close to us. We have nothing to lose when we open up to strangers and have vulnerable conversations. We can share our feeling, secrets etc., with no consequences. Quite often it’s the same for the stranger as well, they too open up and share for the same reasons. I think for me as an avoidant who has difficulty sharing my feelings with those closest to me, for fear of rejection and trust issues, opening up to a stranger fills my void and supports my need for love and connection. I am quite honest and open with strangers, and this is usually why they reciprocate – an opportunity to be intimate and vulnerable with no strings attached. For me this is why sitting “at the wood” for hours allows this outlet of getting your feelings out and sometimes, it has turned into a friendship where numbers are exchanged, and a friendship is formed outside the wood.
In the article, “The Surprising Benefits of Talking to Strangers”, written for The Atlantic by Joe Keohane, mentions how people who are lonely for various reasons whether they are single, or live alone, find comfort when they talk to strangers on a bus or any place where you are seated for a certain period of time. These conversations actually expand the lives of those who reach out to the stranger beside them and have these conversations. I believe that is why the neighborhood pub concept has become more popular over the last decade as more and more people find themselves alone but have a place to go where they can have this interaction and for the 25% of the avoidant population around the world, it’s a great place to let ourselves be vulnerable without feeling judged – we can be seen and heard and put our fears away for that period of time. The article states that, Psychologist believe it’s very healthy to have these conversations with strangers not as a replacement but a compliment to our close relationships. For those that don’t have or aren’t close with family or are introverted can find an extreme sense of comfort by talking with strangers on a regular basis.
So, all of this brings up the question of if this is so good for us, why don’t more people do it? I mean, I took transit for many years and sometimes it was difficult to get anyone to make eye contact with me on the commute to work in the morning. Everyone had their nose in a book or their phones and somedays it was difficult for me to even offer a nod or smile to someone else. Keohane says the core answer to this is, “We don’t expect strangers to like us, and we don’t expect to like them either”. In a study done by Epley and Schroeder, participants who were asked to talk with strangers during their commutes worried that the strangers wouldn’t enjoy the conversations. They predicted on average, that less than half of the people they approached would talk with them. They expected that starting the conversation would be hard. But people were interested in talking with them, and not a single one was rejected. There have been many other studies done that concur with this result. There is a misconception that deters people from seeking out these interactions and in turn deprives them of not only short-term boosts of happiness and belonging but also more lasting benefits such as meting new friends, romantic partners or business contacts. The second reason people may not reach out to strangers, is they don’t know how – they lack the skills to have conversations. We can look to technology for some of the reasons, people haven’t built this skill or maybe have lost it.
Psychologist Gillian Sandstrom has studied this for years and offers up some tips on how to learn to connect with strangers as she believes it’s dehumanizing to be on a train full of people for your daily commute and by not talking to them, you are in fact telling them you don’t view them as people but as obstacles. Sandstrom’s first tip is to follow your curiosity – notice something, compliment a person, or ask them a question. Once you get over the initial hump, you will find it comes quite naturally. Sandstrom has noticed that there is still this obstacle of what she says is a social norm against talking to strangers – a belief that it is simply not done. By having conversations with strangers and going outside your comfort zone, you can learn to build up this skillset if you just start doing it. Back to the book by Stark, she says “seeking out these experiences, not only changes your everyday experience, but it can also have an effect on the larger political world, leading us away from fear and building toward openness, cooperation, and genuine understanding”. I know I have expanded my experiences with the conversations I have had with strangers, I enjoy hearing other people’s point of view and it allows me to see things in a different light which for me as someone who likes to be right about everything, gives me that other perspective to later reflect on and learn to be more compassionate in my world.
I remember a time a few years ago when I would take the bus to work and there was a woman who would get on at one of the last stops before my arrival to work. She stood out to me as she always seemed to rush as she got on the bus always running to catch it. Some days, the driver would pull over and wait a minute or two and of course this was an inconvenience for those of us who got to our stop on time and never held up the bus. And in my mind, I always had a judgement about it, thinking can’t she just get up a few minutes earlier to be on time like the rest of us. One day I made a comment to her about how for me being rushed like that would be stressful and she proceeded to tell me that she has an 8 year old son who is handicapped and it is difficult to get him up in the morning, dressed, unhook the machine that allows him to breath at night and then put him in his wheelchair and push him over to the daycare prior to school so she can get to work. She doesn’t have a vehicle and is a single parent. He quite often doesn’t cooperate with her, and some mornings are worse than others. Well, let me tell you, I never judged her or anyone else who runs to catch the bus holding the rest of us up ever again. Wow, talk about getting a dose of reality and you can never know what it’s like for someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. And for that very reason, if we don’t talk to them, we don’t know where they are coming from and we aren’t able to expand our emotional intelligence. After that, anytime she was able to see me on the bus, she would come and chat me up. I think it make her feel like she could have that time to connect and feel more like she was part of a community as well as a distraction from the life she lived behind closed doors. That also showed me that it’s important for people to have a stranger say hi or feel they are being seen.
I chose this topic this week as I was reminded recently how easy it is to get caught up in my own stuff and I have been so busy lately that I felt I had not been as mindful of doing this. With the pandemic and restrictions these last 18 months, that skill and habit wasn’t being used as much so I need to make a conscious effort in making that eye contact when I am out in the store or on the sidewalk and ensuring I am leaving my house purposefully to interrupt a stranger and exchange that joyful feeling shared when strangers meet! If you are not already having interruptions or interactions with strangers, I challenge you to try it. Who knows you may make someone’s day, or give them hope in humanity again? For some people in dark places, a smile or quick chat with someone may be the difference between how their day goes at work or how they treat their family when they get home or even if they choose to live another day. We don’t know what is going on in other’s lives as we live in such a surface world anymore that the interactions you could have may help you or this stranger have a more enjoyable experience, happiness and mood. From where I sit, you have nothing to lose. For those of you that regularly engage strangers, I applaud, admire and appreciate you. With a world divided right now, we could all use the elevated positive energy that gets put out when we feel good or make someone else feel good that if enough of us are doing it, it would be felt around the world. Now more than ever, we need to be spreading kindness and it doesn’t cost anything to do that and who knows, it may even improve your mood enough to do something to move the needle in your life forward for more positive change.
Writing this article reminded me of a poem I studied in Poetry class at University and the emotion it brings up from the innocence that exists in the moment when talking to a stranger: If Strangers Meet by E.E. Cummings
“If strangers meet
life begins –
not poor not rich
(only aware) kind neither
nor cruel (only complete)
I not not you
not possible; only thruthful
– truthfully, once
if strangers (who deep
our most are selves) touch:
forever
and so to dark)”