In this article, I wanted to create an opportunity to discuss emotional fitness as I feel it’s key to overcoming so many mental health issues and yet it doesn’t get talked about enough. Of course, the only way for me to do this is from my perspective and experience. Hopefully through some of my story here, I will be able to provide insight on the importance of emotional fitness and why a program can really support someone to feeling happier about life as it has for me. To often I think we put little focus on the everyday thoughts going on in our mind that are controlling whether we are leading a fulfilled and happy life or not. So much negative external stimuli are feeding our minds and we are allowing it. Simply because we aren’t focusing or guarding our mind from it. It’s like when we start out on a physical fitness and healthy eating program, as long as we are putting daily focus on eating right and exercising do we have long lasting results. As soon as we stop doing that, then the weight comes back on, it’s harder to climb stairs, and we lose strength in our muscles. When we aren’t focusing on what goes into our minds and what our thoughts and beliefs are, we start feeling crappy about life and attracting all kinds of negative energy and experiences that can shape how we feel about ourselves. This can lead to depression and so many other unhealthy mental states. I’ve come to realize now that I am in my fifties, and as time goes on, the life I have left to live becomes more valuable and making a game plan for the rest of my life is the most important gift I can give myself and those I love.
Am I Really Doing This, getting vulnerable…?
Looking back on my life, when it came to my emotional wellbeing, I was always in reactive mode. The term emotional rollercoaster comes to mind in multiple scenarios. I have had periods in my life where everything is ticking along great and I am just coasting and enjoying where I am at. Not really challenging myself or looking to improve just trucking along. Then, at some point an interaction with someone else triggers an emotional wound I hadn’t dealt with and my calm cool life gets turned upside down for long periods of time. Now these triggers are there to point me in the right direction as to something I needed to work on or a lesson to learn but this too was very difficult for me to grasp. I mean, I knew it, but knowing it and doing something about it are two very different things. I didn’t really give it the time required as it was easier to band-aide it and move on as life got in the way so to speak. Depending on how much a person has had for childhood trauma, and in my case growing up with an alcoholic father dealing with PTSD and a controlling mother who didn’t know how to show emotion, I had lots. So, when these triggered incidents were usually coming at me from all sides; home, work, socially, I was overwhelmed and exhausted. I avoided and numbed out. This happened in varying degrees depending on what else was going on, like raising children on my own for the most part, working full time and going to tech school, college and then university. I didn’t have the energy or strength to deal with my emotional ups and downs. For you mothers out there, I’m sure you can relate to putting ourselves last as is typically the case in most instances.
Now this isn’t an excuse I am taking full responsibility for who I was/am but it’s just how I prioritized my life for so many years. I didn’t realize what the consequences would be, as I’ve never really been someone who looked too far in the future, I was surviving day by day. Looking back if I was in a place where I wanted to manage an emotional issue, I then didn’t have the support or the tools to get the right traction I needed for lasting change. Eventually, because I had neglected so much of this over the years, it just compounded, and I did not feel like I was going to ever get better, and I lost hope. This sense of hopelessness cultivated the soil for depression and a feeling of being powerless to change and I gave up on life for a very long time.
I was stuck and in a rut with every area of my life. I was having conversations with those close to me and saying that I was so fed up with where I was at, that I had nothing to get out of bed for. Even though a part of me knew this was ridiculous since I have 2 amazing children and a job to support myself. I have friends and family I could reach out to anytime I wanted so what was my problem, I shouldn’t be feeling this way? Sadly, the reality is when you are in it, it is hard to see a way out and being grateful for what you do have is not a go-to skillset in this frame of mind. Fortunately, I finally had a breakthrough, the pain was so bad that I knew deep down in my soul that if I did not change, I would not be able to go on. I knew that if I didn’t want to live my life the way it was, that only I could make that change. I researched and finally immersed myself into a daily coaching program and really started to pay attention to my thoughts. I uncovered behaviors I had stemming from needing approval and people pleasing, not being able to be assertive and set boundaries, or connect with people. I realized I have kept people at bay. I never let them get to close to me for fear they would see me for the imposter I was. I could not be vulnerable or intimate as I felt I did not deserve love, or I would be judged in some way. Unfortunately, what it really boils down to and what a good majority of people feel is that we are just not worthy enough and we find ways to prove that.
Over the next few years, I did some work on my mindset every day, but I got comfortable with some of the growth I was getting and lost focus. I quit coaching and was on my own again for a while. Procrastination showed up with an army and I was quickly regressing. Old patterns and habits emerged as if they had never left and the triggers were becoming more frequent by the day. Not being immersed in it, meant a definite slide backwards. Just as I had every time I saw some success with any of the weight loss and fitness programs I had done in the past. I needed to get clarity on what I should do differently this time to want or be motivated enough to stay immersed in it. I needed to find the pleasure in the day to day grind of growth and change. I knew I had to get some wins in my life again as it was a slippery slope back to where I was 5 years prior, and I never wanted to be there ever again.
Since I had some success and knew success leaves clues, I looked back on those few years and it became clear to me that I didn’t have a strong enough reason or anchor for why I was doing all that work. After all, when you do not really love yourself or believe you deserve anything, the goals and outlook for the future tend to resemble a fraction of what a secure confident person knows for possibilities. Also, when we lack self-love, doing something for yourself is not a good enough reason to keep the consistency and momentum going. So, there it was, I needed to fall in love with myself. That was a big mountain to climb and I knew I would need a lot of help on this one. While I was searching for the best program, coach or framework to do this, I decided to build some confidence in one area, so I could see clear as to what to do next. Since I didn’t have any sort of a process other than knowing immersion was the best way to create change and that I needed to move myself forward, I started with what I knew would get quick success to build up confidence. I changed my eating habits (stopped drinking wine and eating chips), started walking, then hiking and soon found an online program that incorporated both a daily fitness/meal program with an online support community. I lost 51 pounds in 5 months and felt fantastic. I started to feel happy and had a desire to socialize again. I committed to doing at least 30-60 minutes every day of focus on personal growth with regards to how to love myself. I watched YouTube videos online, read multiple books and researched and got involved in programs that resonated with me and I dove in.
I have a lot of changing to do yet but can genuinely say I am well on my way and enjoying so many things I never knew were possible for me. Do I still have days where I want to be lazy or hide under the covers? Absolutely, but they don’t last as long because I have a new perspective on what I think my life or purpose should be. I have done some belief repatterning and identified what needs drive my behaviour to keep the saboteur at bay. I have a perspective now that believes it’s all about the journey, exactly what I am doing now. There is no longer this feeling of defeat because my life didn’t turn out the way I had thought it needed to. There isn’t the feeling of hopelessness as I know I have everything I need within me to make any necessary changes if I don’t like how things are going in my life. I heard somewhere that there is a you inside of you that you haven’t even met yet. I can now see glimpses of this person and I truly want to get to know her better. I have reached so many goals in the last year and have set much larger ones for my future now that I feel deserving and worthy of so much more than I was settling for. My wish is for everyone to feel this way and leave behind their suffering.
I’ve laid out some tools that changed my life and are working for me if you desire to be better in any area of your life. The amount you want to change will determine how much you need to dive into each of the steps below:
Road Map for An Emotional Fitness Program (COST)
Clarity
Get clear on what you want and where you want to go in terms of goals for your future, otherwise you will just be all over the map with your learning and you will not get the results you want and will waste time and money. Don’t think too much at this stage as to how you are going to do it. That will come as you work through all steps. Visualize what your life is like a year from now, your ideal life and then work backwards from there to where you are now, and you will see the gaps and know what you want. This step takes a lot of courage as sometimes it’s hard to admit or be honest with where we are at.
Outlook
Know why you want it. This is critical for motivation on those days when it’s easier not to do the work. Go to the pain in your life and you will find reasons to change. If you can, visualize what your life would be like in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years if you do not make any changes and stay the same. This should provide some clarity on why you need to change. Spend a lot of time on this step before moving on as it’s critical for when you start to get success and comfortable in that. You will push yourself further.
Strategy
Create a plan, schedule and prioritize it. This step will require research and there is a lot of self-help and development programs/ideas on the internet. At the same time, it can become overwhelming as there are so many ways to go about this. Take your time as it’s so important that we get the right tools for how we as an individual learn and grasp things. Look for the program, person or book that tells a story similar to what you are going through and make sure their outcome shows the results you want.
Take Action
Incorporate action with your strategy every day. Without action we just have great intent and no follow through, action builds momentum. Get into a morning and evening routine that develops those emotional muscles. Some ideas are reading or listening to positive input, gratitude and success journaling, exercise, incantations, meditation, reflecting often on your goals so they are at the forefront. Start a brag journal and remind yourself you are worthy, you deserve it! Set the tone for the day with your goals in mind and go to sleep in the evening celebrating how awesome you are and get a good night’s rest.
Other thoughts for success:
Get out of your comfort zone and stretch yourself regularly, if you say you can’t then you must!
Turn one day into day one, just get started even if it’s a small thing, create movement. I like to dance by myself and raise my energy. It puts an instant smile on my face and then it’s easier to do the things I want to put off.
Where your focus goes energy flows – focus on what you want not on what you are afraid of. Put pictures up of the life you want and sticky notes on the bathroom mirror to remind yourself how amazing you are and why you want what you want.
Consistency creates certainty which leads to results.
Do weekly check-ins with your progress. If you aren’t making traction, keep going and apply adjustments where it’s not working. Most times it’s as simple as a 2mm shift from what you are doing.
Turn expectations into appreciations, gratitude leads to a positive outlook on life. Be grateful for what you have and focus on that and not on what you don’t have.
The first letter of each step in the road map is highlighted to spell COST. The hard truth is if you aren’t living up to your potential or the life you really want and don’t make the necessary changes, there will be a cost to your life on what you will miss out on. Whether that’s in your relationships or opportunities, and let’s not forget all the wonderful emotions that come with being fulfilled; such as joy, love, happiness and peace. The time for making mental health a priority for all of us is now. It’s time to feel united and lift each other up through our joy and happiness. A road map can help guide those that like me, get easily distracted or off course and can bring you back to what needs to be done. If you can’t do it for yourself, think of your loved ones or those out there you haven’t even met yet that need you to be your best self!
I have summarized a lot of my experience in a few paragraphs which is why I want to continue in future articles to honour all the teachers, books and programs that contributed to my development and success to date. As I continue this journey, there will be people I don’t know yet and stories not yet told that I can share here with you and that excites me. If you find yourself relating to any of what I have written, my wish is that you ponder, reflect on or get curious in your life and if you are feeling at all lost or hopeless that you find a message in my mess and at least have a starting place for hope to make a change. I encourage you to subscribe for notifications for the weekly articles, so you don’t miss out on any of the information I believe will support your overall emotional fitness.
