I had a different plan in mind for this week’s article and as the saying goes, the best laid plans often go awry. I was surprised with a bout of self doubt and fear, that felt like I was set back a few years, and it scared the hell out of me to put it mildly. You know the kind that shows up just when everything is going great and you’ve really stepped outside your comfort zone, yes that kind. I had uploaded and published my first article last Wednesday, and then within minutes my website crashed. After a few hours of trying to get it back, I was ready to give in and quit. I was feeling like maybe this was a sign that I shouldn’t move on with this idea of having my voice heard. I didn’t want to write a dark piece this week, but decided that this is part of who I am and I need to air it.
I’ve always struggled with being heard. I would shrink myself, and become small to stay hidden. Some people that know me, may say I don’t give off that vibe, that I have a sense of confidence, but that has never been how I felt inside most of the time (I use to wear a lot of masks to hide who I was and how I felt). For whatever reason whenever I move in a direction that puts me outside my comfort zone, I start to doubt myself. My posture begins to slouch again, and the aches in my body return. The old habits of eating crap food start up again and here I was back in that place I worked so hard this last year to leave behind me. What was this all about? Why had I reverted back so quickly to the place that I thought I had climbed out of?
I was freaking out when my site went down and saying I should just give up, what’s the point. Looking back now, it’s kind of silly when I had only told a handful of people where to find it. It’s not like hundreds would be disappointed but I worried anyway because what if that one person saw the cracks in my idea and what I was trying to do. My daughter had to step in at one point to let me know that was stinking thinking and she spent time fixing my site. She was able to get it to a point where at least you could see the blog again. Technical support at the hosting company said they would get to the bottom of what is causing the site to crash, but for now it’s up and running as a shell. That still wasn’t enough for me and I couldn’t shake the crappy mood I was in.
The fear had me doubting why I was even doing this in the first place and it really took hold. I began to believe more and more that this blog site was not a good idea. I mean really what did I have to say that was going to help someone else? And the loudest voice was “how can you help someone when you can’t help yourself through this”? There it was all the makings of fear and procrastination and self-doubt that I have felt countless number of times in the past. The realization that I thought I had done this work already, that I had cleared up those limiting beliefs that I wasn’t good enough punched me in the stomach, hard. I felt defeated in that moment and I allowed myself to stay in this funk for a few days and the longer I was in it, the worse I became. I told myself, just let this feeling be there one more day and then you can get back to your routines and working on yourself tomorrow. You can write next weeks article another time. You don’t need to work out today give yourself a break. It’s okay to eat that food that isn’t good for you and have some wine what’s it going to hurt. These same stories that have held me back from being my best self for years were ruminating and taking control.
I couldn’t let this go on, I couldn’t revert back to the person I was a few years ago I refused to let it happen, but then I did for 2 days, and then 4 and before I knew it the beautiful weather came out and it was the weekend. All I wanted to do was keep the blinds closed and stay in the dark all weekend, and I did for most of it. I didn’t go hiking like I wanted to in the gorgeous sunshine, I couldn’t even convince myself to go for a walk around the block. There was however, a small voice that was there to remind me of all the hard work I had done up to this point. The grind that happens when no one was watching. All the 5:00 a.m. mornings when I got up 2 hours earlier than I needed to in order to fit in a workout, journaling, incantations and visualization/meditations to move myself forward. All those times I turned down going out with friends because I didn’t want to be influenced to drink or eat something that would interfere with my weight loss goals. That couldn’t have been for nothing? The guilt started to set in and I could feel the familiar feeling of no hope and I knew I had been here before. If I wanted different results, I needed to act differently. I woke up on day 5 and I felt foggy and my guts were churning, it was the fork in the road moment. Do I stay in bed another day or can I get myself out of this?
I remember learning that when we let our guard down, let the old thoughts back in, we start to feel doubt after we have been on a path of growth and change for awhile. When you think about how our brains are designed, it’s all about literally keeping us safe and protected in the routines and stories we have grooved into our mind. Any time we are building new pathways in the brain to change up habits and patterns, it doesn’t feel safe and does everything it can to sabotage and keep us from changing. The stories of not being good enough or worthy come out and the most important thing for me is to keep moving forward and replace those stories with positive ones, telling myself I can absolutely do this.
The week leading up to publishing the first article, I had been clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth. I wasn’t aware of this until I could feel sores on the gums around my front teeth. I had a similar experience a year ago when I was going through some drastic change and my dentist told me it was from stress I was going through. I was on one of the Facebook communities I am a part of, and someone mentioned a similar experience. They knew they were growing and really started to notice positive changes in themselves but for a few nights now they have been waking up with anxiety, feelings of unworthiness and fear of abandonment. Things he hadn’t thought about in a very long time. I guess it shows up in all of us differently and sometimes just knowing it’s normal to have these feelings come up again can determine whether we choose to stay in the rut, funk or depressive state or move through it.
I’m not sure if any of you have suffered depression over the years as I have, but it can be a life of constant up and downs and when you are in it, there’s comfort in staying in it. It’s extremely difficult to pull myself out of it sometimes. Although I will say, that it was easier this time around. All the courses and coaching I did this last year, provided so many tools to choose from and I started to believe I could get out of this. I was able to see my old life as just that and a part of me felt I needed to grieve it for a few days before moving on for some strange reason. Yes, this time was different and instead of staying in it for weeks or months, thankfully it only lasted a couple of days. Is it possible to get to a place where I never go back there, that I could stay in a positive state of mind always? All the self -development guru’s I have studied with and books I read tell you it’s possible, but is it for me? I think it is, deep down I know it is.
I was equipped with all the tools required to support myself through this and with having healed some of that little girl inside, made the difference. Perhaps she is shy just yet to believe fully in herself all the time. After all, Rome was not built in a day and I have had decades of beating myself up and telling myself stories that didn’t serve me. Like these ones of doubting myself that told me to do less and less and even stay in bed all day. I am so grateful that I came around to a place where I could get myself outside, go for a walk listen to some music and dance. As I continued to move around, I could feel the shift happening. It was that simple, and then I felt motivated to do some of the chores I had put off the few days prior; this article being one of them. And as I was writing this, I was thinking about all the other people who deal with depression and who helps them? Maybe someone reading this will be moved in some way to reach out for help or to help someone they know. Once I took my eyes off me and on to others, that depressive mood and self- doubt was all gone.
The most amazing part of all of this for me, was I realized I can control my state and how quickly I can shift. I used to think that it was controlled by others and situations that happen to me, but nope I can’t use that excuse anymore. It’s in my hands and I determine how I feel. I can tap into that anytime I choose. The part that is harder to get over is why do I choose to stay in it but maybe I don’t need to know that at all. Maybe that’s just another way to keep me in the loop with all those crap stories I tell myself. I think I just need to move on from here and take the lesson that I have the power to get myself in it and out of it. I control the state I am in on a day- to- day basis and I need to ensure that I consciously keep myself where I need to be in order to get to my goal of living my best self. It doesn’t matter how far along I think I am, there will always be more work to do and the sooner I get on board with that, the easier this journey will be.
I’m sitting on my back deck on a Sunday morning with a cup of earl grey and I can smell the lilacs in bloom. I hear the birds chirping and I have a visible view of the snowy whitecapped mountains in the distance. It’s a gorgeous blue sky with not a cloud in it, and as I am writing this article, and in this moment life is beautiful! I’m just sitting with myself here in the moment and none of what I just talked about matters anymore. Right now I no longer wonder if it’s possible to be like this always, in a beautiful state, living in the moment with no cares of anything else…
FREEDOM