I never knew that my older sister Samaya was clairvoyant until I was in my early thirties. Up until then, I had no idea about intuition, spirituality or energy. Only when I moved to Calgary in 1998 and we reconnected after being distant for so many years did she reveal what intuition is and how we can enhance our lives through the practice of spiritual growth and connection. She opened my eyes to a whole other world. It was Samaya that started me on the path of personal growth – she gifted me a book by Dan Milman – The Life You Are Born to Live. From there, we took self-development and spiritual courses together, got involved in Oprah’s book club and virtual courses with Eckart Tolle, Gary Zukav and other spiritual teachers that started this new awareness I had and it led me to my passion today of continuously growing myself in hopes of helping others. I am certainly not in the same place she is with tuning into my intuition but I can tell you that it has been quite a brave journey for her to get to where she is today with turning her mess into a message – helping so many people with her mentorship on clairvoyance and mediumship as well as the work she does with a friend doing weekly Satsang’s: Gathering together for the truth – where they are building a community through “Guiding Streams of Self”. If you are interested in what Satsang’s are all about, you can find her on Instagram @samaya_says. This is her courageous story that I know she dug deep to write and that is never an easy feat. I am truly grateful for the array of emotions I felt when I read it and very much appreciated! She has always had a gift for helping others and a big heart to match that. Thank you Samaya, it’s an honour to have you share a part of your story here…
Let’s imagine for a moment that intuition is real and tangible. That we can see, touch, feel, and sense the elusive, invisible energy known as insight. And that it also has a form or shape. A structure of unlimited ideas and expressions but a form all the same. Let’s imagine for a moment that everything we manifest is actually an energy field in a space sitting in the background waiting for us to invite it into the foreground. And that field is tangible. Let’s imagine that the field is real, and we don’t need to imagine it. Let’s call it intuition. Intuition is NOT a gift for “the chosen few”. Intuition is NOT something that we have to “learn”. And intuition is NOT a random event occurring once in awhile. Intuition is IN ALL OF US and expresses individually through each of us ALL THE TIME. Many choose to ignore it or brush it aside as if it is not an integral part of our human nature. But it still exists always, all of the time.
For me that field of intuition and the essence of it’s existence has been my reality as a child and continues to be my reality to this day. I have repeatedly been drawn to live from the inner world (wisdom, peace, joy) firstly and then look to the outer world (money, fame, fortune) secondly.
It’s a truth that you and I have all been heirs of hearing that voice of wisdom known as the essence of intuition. Yes, we all have a sweet, magnificent, and beautiful inner voice: each and everyone of us. A voice that is quietly, gently, and gracefully waiting to be heard and revealed. The difference for many of us is that we have a sense of urgency to disregard it and pass it off while explaining it away. And it does just that – it appears to go away – into the background again and sits there ready to come through when each of us are ready to acknowledge it’s reality.
As a child, I heard it. I heard the voice of intuition whispering to me in the dark night many, many years ago. I don’t recall the specific night that intuition first spoke to me and through me. I don’t recall knowing what it was labeled or who was talking to me. I know it was a voice not a crazy go and do destructive things voice but a tone with hints of joy wrapped in calm, loving colors and vibrations. It clearly and visibly sang out to me, and I embraced it. I do remember that it was unexpected and surprisingly wonderful as it arose through me in an experience, I had never recalled feeling before.
Whether I was prepared or not, intuition was asking me to wake up to the reality and truth of it: to remind me of the unlimited harmony and love that we are already. I did not let fear overtake me and I just surrendered to what was coming through. On that evening, I had an experience that something was happening, and I was watching it unfold. The next morning, the experience was confirmed. The experience of watching something unfold before it unfolded caught my attention. I felt so empowered and hopeful that I could have the same experience again.
And what does someone do when they wish to experience it again? Return to the scene of the event of course; my bedroom where it began. The next evening as I lay in bed, I waited and waited and waited: Nothing! What a straight up letdown!! The more I tried, the less I felt it. Why could I not repeat the same experience?
I did not understand it, yet I knew that it was the real ‘me’. I tried to explain it to others but could not find the words to describe it and I only appeared to be somewhat strange and even crazy. My will to recreate the same event dwindled and I began to believe it was not something that would ever happen again.
My childhood was wrapped in social lack and awkwardness. I was a very sensitive and emotional child and was withdrawn and introverted to a point where I never desired to be around others. Yet inward I craved to have friends that would understand, as I did, the world of intuition. I had visions and experiences that ranged from prophetic dreams; speaking with those that passed over; and clairvoyant episodes. All of which when I attempted to share or explain or ask what it all meant lead to me appearing to be even more strange and crazier than ever.
As an empath, I would suddenly and randomly have feelings and emotions of sadness when the moment before, I was feeling overjoyed and happy. Premonitions or ‘visions’ of the future would happen in my mind’s eye and then unfold or manifest within days. Mediumship would be evident when a person that had died would appear and have a conversation with me.
I was living in duality and very confused between the inner world I was living in and the outer world I was watching others living in. And I became more cautious, introverted, and guarded as I grew into my teens.
I had never viewed the external world in a way that was safe and loving. For as long as I can remember, I felt as though I had, as a child, awoken with amnesia and I now had to learn to live in a world I did not understand. Of course, as a child, we don’t understand life, but deeper than that; I felt as though I was always swimming upstream. I felt that we were all living a lie orchestrated by something we couldn’t even comprehend or be willing to consider or believe.
I frequently had dreams of myself in another place and time and when I woke up, I felt dread that I awoke in my body and was not still in the dreamworld. Not because the life in my dreams were filled with money and fame. Just the opposite: my dreams were always about sensing a oneness and being in harmony with everything. It was an awareness that intuition was not abnormal, and I was somehow intertwined with it as a bigger part of nature. In my dreams I knew my purpose: to be the experience of everything. There was no talking with vocals, and it was all communicated through a knowing and sensing.
Because I was not able to express this side of me, I turned away from the apparent misgivings of intuition and focused on fitting in with my peers while still yearning to be part of it inside. My natural being-ness was slowly fading and the illusion of living life from an external construct was taking over.
I struggled in school – not with grades but with having friends and interacting socially. I did not understand why we had to learn lessons and math the way we did. I did not understand why we were not taught about the inner world. The world of intuition. I could not memorize anything; mostly because I thought it was a waste of time since everything that was real for me, would come through at the right time and place from the soul not the brain’s function of recalling something I memorized. I learned to unhappily co-exist living in a way that others appeared to be living.
So even though the internal yearning of intuition readily appeared throughout my childhood I began rejecting it.
As time moved on and I continued to pretend that the inner world of intuition was not real. I found that I was increasingly depressed. But I still resisted the inner world of intuition. At the age of 14, I began having premonitions of an accident with myself, my twin sister, and another person I did not know at the time. These premotions continued to get stronger and louder even though I was refusing to believe it as anything more than a bad dream. At the age of 17, the premotions stopped. At the age of 18, I had one more premonition on the event. Within two days the accident would occur and there would be a death of the other person (that I now knew). My sister would be brain injured and a quadriplegic. I was frantic! I began to try and figure out a way to prevent the accident from happening. I even cancelled the scheduled trip that was originally planned to happen within the two days. No matter what I did to change the situation it still occurred.
For 15 years, I wallowed in despair. I refused to listen to any intuitive messages that were guiding me to heal. I was a victim of my own devastation. I rejected every single empathic moment. I denied every clairvoyant message and I refused to engage in every entity that came to me from the other side.
I was angry and numb and in denial for a long period of time. I refused to forgive myself or the circumstances of having a premonition for so long and not being able to change it for a better outcome. I turned away and ran from the inner core of the unconditional love of intuition and ran straight to the external construct of victimhood.
Every time intuition would try to guide and direct me to a place of healing, I would turn away and ignore it. Each time I was guided to resolve the pain and suffering, I would run. And then at the end of the 15 year mourning I heard the voice of intuition whispering so loudly I couldn’t turn away. It was a familiar sound; one that I recalled having when I was a child so long ago. It was unexpected and joyful. There was no logical explanation of why I surrendered to the beauty of inner peace at that time. There was no sensible reasoning to choose to listen. But I did and when I let the message come through, I knew I had returned home. I had returned to a space of nature and the guiding intuition that would always give me a message of peace and unconditional love. I had come full circle. Back to that first moment as a child that I recalled opening to the vibration of an experience I had no understanding of. In that moment of experiencing the core of intuition, I moved in and through lifetimes of joy and sorrow and forgiveness. And then the unknowing of what it was became a knowing of everything for me in that moment. I knew without question that I had come home. That I no longer needed to run from something that was only guiding me through suffering. The message that came through to me was one that told me where I needed to go. An actual address of a place I needed to go to. I got up and went to the phone book to look up the place and it was an actual place. The following week I had the nerve to go and for 5 years I was a student of the Intuitive Arts. This place gave me the space to grow and understand. It allowed me to practice the art of intuition. I now had an internal guiding system that I did not ignore and the vocabulary of translating energy increased consistently over time.
Whether I was prepared or not, intuition was asking me to wake up to the reality and truth of it: to remind me of the unlimited harmony and love that we are already.
Yet, no matter how many years passed, and no matter how much I turned away from intuition, it found a way to emerge where I could finally embrace the larger truth of it being a message of unconditional love; and a message of healing when I turn into it instead of away from it.
And I am at peace knowing that intuition is a natural state of me and although life is painful at times, the energy that flows from intuition will always guide me to a higher awareness of life itself.
I co-exist in a place with awareness. Intuition is not a thing or a phase; it is a natural state of being-ness, every moment, every day, in every way: just like breathing – every moment, every day ……….