I know I’m starting out with some heavy topics here but I think it’s important to shed light on some of the areas I find myself in that have held me back for so long. With so many people depressed, anxious, and/or living with an autoimmune disease these days; it warrants some time here. And as if we didn’t already have a culture where mental issues are on the rise, there’s a global pandemic that’s been going on for over a year that has interfered with so many lives. As we go from a pandemic to an endemic, I can’t help but wonder how people will cope with that and I hope they reach out for support where needed. I know for me, I am fortunate to have benefits that provide counselling services but I also have a relationship coach to support me on my emotional fitness journey as it’s too overwhelming to tackle all I need to overcome by myself. A co-worker mentioned to me the other day, that he has noticed with friends that are really suffering from living with restrictions imposed, that the times we are living in currently are about self preservation. I can really understand where he is coming from with saying and feeling that and it’s important to talk about the emotional aspect of this.
Where better to start than with the fight, flight or freeze response that is part of the automated brain function to keep us safe. In reality, a lot of people want security and safety or at least our primitive brain does! Unfortunately, for some, one or all three of these are driving the bus so to speak in our lives and it has had a real impact on all areas including physical, career, relationships, finances etc.
Simply put, when your brain senses danger, it triggers your nervous system and floods your body with chemicals. The problem is that some of us have a brain that judges everything as dangerous. Our stress response goes off all the time, in totally inappropriate situations. But why does it do this? It’s a decision your brain made because somewhere in your past you went through something that felt so bad you decided you would not let that happen again.
I know for me, I operate in all three at varying times, depending on what’s happening in my life. Over the years, I have learnt to manage the fight or flight to a certain extent, but I still really struggle with the latter of the three; the freeze response. I think this is because it’s not talked about as much as the other two and was never really a focus point in any of the personal development courses, programs, therapy or coaching I have done over the last 25 years, until recently when I made the decision to prioritize my emotional fitness.
What Is The Freeze Response?
Do you ever feel like you are numbing out or even worse in the middle of a heated or intensified conversation with someone and you struggle to get your thoughts together? You get frustrated because you know you have something to say but you just can’t. You don’t run away or fight like with the other two responses, you can’t because you are immobile. If so, then you have experienced a freeze response. This has happened to me countless times and now that I know it’s from brain freeze, every time I think about it, I’m reminded of the popular song from the 80’s, Freeze Frame (courtesy of J. Geils Band)!
In case you haven’t quite grasped or understood this concept, here’s some examples:
A co-worker or family member explodes on you due to a misunderstanding or an assumption made. As they rain down anger on you, you feel more and more detached and unable to respond. You might even disassociate, feeling very calm and as if you are watching yourself from outside of yourself. You might even freeze but then flee or flee and then freeze. Another scenario could be as simple as you are in a meeting at work with several people and you are there just as a participant or so you thought, but then you get asked a question in front of everyone and are expected to answer. Your mind goes completely blank and you stammer a bit and move around in your seat to try and gain some sense of composure, yup that’s brain freeze.
Some of the symptoms of the freeze response are: You can’t think straight, are suddenly exhausted, can’t make decisions, have no emotions, you feel blank
After the stress is over, you:
Come up with things you should have said or done days later, run the situation over and over in your head, suffer feelings of guilt, you might be angry at yourself, or feel stupid
Am I Really Doing This?
Okay, I am going to get a bit vulnerable here and it’s not an easy thing for me to do as I’m a fearful avoidant (more on this in another article) but here goes. I think the moment when my brain decided it was never going to let this happen to me again, and why I freeze when put on the spot started out when I was in elementary school – grade 1. We had to give a speech on stage about our favourite topic or something that introduced us as the newcomers to the school and the rest of the students. This was a small town and school went from grade 1-12. Thinking back on it now, why would any teacher or principal think it was a good idea to put 5 year olds on stage in front of older junior high and high school students; ya this probably explains alot about who I became, stage fright at it’s best!! I do remember delivering the speech flawlessly even though I didn’t write it and was so proud of myself in that moment. I memorized it and I practiced every night for weeks. I have siblings who are 5, 6 and 10 years older than me and I’m sure they didn’t want to see me fail or embarrass them in front of their friends. One of my sisters wrote it for me and on the subject that was fitting of a 5 year old. She wrote it on Seseme Street’s Big Bird and Mr. Snuffleupagus’s friendship. It was all the rage being a new show in the 70’s and with only one channel to watch back then as cable was not yet invented, everyone would be able to relate. It seemed like a wonderful idea except that after I gave the well memorized speech, the principal asked me a question: who lives in the garbage can on the show? What a question…that wasn’t part of what I was expecting…wait a minute! Then my young brain panicked and I blurted out Big Bird instead of Oscar the Grouch. OMG the laughter that came from the audience that day followed me all through the next 6 years I was at that school. Kids can be very mean and I was reminded of that every day thereafter.
What’s ironic about this is that it took me almost 50 years to understand how that moment impacted my life with how I behave in communicating in my relationships, the lack of courage I’ve had to grab opportunities, the added stress to my body and overall emotional well being. I’m not saying that this is the only moment in my life that has impacted me but it was definitely the starting point of some limiting beliefs. It’s mind boggling really as I can laugh at this memory looking back however subconsciously, it has been a story running in the background all this time. Only recently did I hear about the freeze response from my coach and I took to the internet to find out all I could on it. While most medically based articles call the freeze response as passive, one article (can’t seem to find it anymore to reference here) highlighted that when this person goes into freeze response, it’s not about their safety and just “waiting it out”, they are the exact opposite. They freeze when in threat overload because they can’t take down their opponent. I think I fall into this category as well. My adult children can attest to this when we have had arguments and I’m sure anyone who knows me and has felt my wrath, and I apologize if you are one of those folks. This same article goes on to talk about the fact that sometimes these freeze response situations don’t just come and go, even after the threat has passed. The freeze remains and becomes a source of personal malfunction. This leads to days, weeks or even months of freeze behaviours. This includes long periods of isolating or “falling off the grid”, cancelling social plans, neglecting life obligations, feeling chronically exhausted, having sensation of being dizzy or off balance, falling ill, finding normal tasks impossible and dissociating entirely from their surroundings. Letting relationships fall by the way side, basically life stagnancy describes this best. The article goes on to describe our brains are effectively “out fishing” on the Anxiety Coasts. I thought this was a perfect description for some of the experiences I have had when in the “deep freeze”.
With all this said, there’s also the impact this can have on those closest to us, you know the ones we love the most but yet give the narly bits of ourselves too, yes those folks! This is why I sought out some help in this area of my life. I started to really see the cracks in my family relationships when I freeze. It typically goes like this…I mumble something or deflect and walk out of the room as I’m not able to articulate what I want to say and in frustration get angry at myself for not communicating better. In the early stages of the pandemic, my daughter moved back home and it had been 14 years since we lived together. Being in close quarters again, made for easy access to get into many discussions of varying topics. There has been multiple opportunities to practice my emotional fitness skills and I am truly grateful for that. The freeze response was on full alert several months ago and I chose to dig in, get curious and find out why. This led me to seeking help in finding ways to manage it and well when you know better you do better. Communicating to those we love in advance about the issue of freeze response is a good place to start. Let them know that in future conversations when this happens, it doesn’t mean they or the conversation isn’t important, a moment is required to get the brain working again. There are lots of youtube videos and online articles about the subject if you want to look into this further but here are a few tools I picked up and use to manage the freeze in wrapping this up.
Tools To Cope With Freeze Response:
Deep breathing, move the body around, grounding exercises, meditation, self soothe, develop emotional muscles and practice safe ways to experience anxiety and work through it, change the rules about anxiety and know it’s okay to experience it
I would love to hear about your experiences and stories with freeze response whether you are the one freezing or have witnessed it. What I find is that there is always someone who can benefit from our stories even if we don’t feel we have any value to add. Believe me I get that, and is one of the reasons I took the plunge and started this blog. It can also be therapeutic to release some of these experiences as well.