Most people by now have had a situation with a person they were dating or a friend, that at some time or another stopped communicating with them. If you’ve experienced this, I’m sure it left you confused and wondering what happened and what you may have done to cause this. You play past conversations in your head trying to formulate a reason why this would happen. Sometimes, depending on how much time was invested in the relationship and the circumstance, you are unable to move on with your life because there was no closure. Anxiety is heightened, and this leads you to question and repeatedly go over the last conversation you had, mulling it over and over trying to understand what would have triggered this.
The abrupt cutting-off of all communication is what has now been termed as Ghosting. The Urban Dictionary describes it, as “when a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice before hand”. The silent treatment brought on by the one who is doing the ghosting has often been thought of as cruel as it leaves the person on the receiving end, powerless to the situation because they are unable to find out any answers. Ghosting is linked to mental negative health effects on the person who is was ghosted and some health professionals describe it as being a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse. Ghosting sucks and is not a good feeling at all. It has become so popular that most dating apps have made ghosting justifiable by allowing people to swipe right when we want and ghost out when we want only amplifying the problem.
What causes a person to behave this way?
What’s most important to know is that it’s not about the person who was ghosted but about the other person and their lack and ability to set boundaries, be assertive, have constructive conversations and effectively communicate. It’s a way to avoid emotional discomfort and vulnerability in the relationship for them and they use ghosting as a coping mechanism. Because they avoid these situations in relationships, it leaves them unable to be in touch with their emotions as they avoid those as well and unfortunately, if they aren’t in touch with their own emotions, it’s difficult for them to have any awareness of how this makes the other person feel.
I have discovered it’s all about attachment styles and how these play out when it comes to ghosting. There are many therapists who have written books on the subject, but I found Thais Gibson, co-founder of The Personal Development School, to have the most comprehensive information, videos and courses on this subject. She breaks down the Attachment Styles as Dismissive Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant, Anxious and Secure. Within each of these, are the reasons a person fits into the attachments style, and it is dependent on if they were emotionally neglected by their caregivers during childhood, how consistently available the caregivers were and how they learned to manage all of this. The avoidants tend to be doing the majority of ghosting. In the case of the Dismissive Avoidant, they were emotionally neglected by their caregivers and learned that they must rely solely on themselves. Therefore, they can be withdrawn and easily overwhelmed in relationships. They learn at a young age that they are not going to get their emotional needs met through other people and so they repress the idea of it all together. Therefore, when a dismissive avoidant enters a relationship with another person who requires them to be vulnerable, challenges arise since they trigger the dismissive avoidant’s core wounds. The dismissive avoidant can then shut their partner or friend out, not because they don’t need an emotional connection, but because it is foreign to them.
For the Fearful Avoidant Attachment, their childhood was highly tumultuous, often due to physical, emotional or sexual abuse. They typically had at least one caregiver that was emotionally available, but the child doesn’t trust them because of the chaotic environment. Therefore, they tend to have an internal struggle between being vulnerable versus distant in their relationships. Since their core wounds are related to trust, they tend to control or manipulate their way out of being betrayed. When they feel as though they have lost control of their feelings and may be overly vulnerable, they will respond with anxiety and frustration towards the other person in the relationship.
The Anxious Attachment was formed from an inconsistent childhood. This means that one or both caregivers were emotionally available for the child but on a highly variable inconsistent basis. Therefore, they have a subconscious fear of abandonment and tend to self-sacrifice to maintain their relationships. By self-sacrificing to “people please”, they subconsciously believe that those around them will not abandon them. They tend to feel not good enough, a strong sense of loneliness, a sense of rejection and as though they are unlovable.
Lastly, the Secure Attachment stems from a healthy caregiver relationship. In adulthood, secure attachments tend to have supportive and communicative relationships.
How Attachment Styles Show Up in Dating
Dr. Amir Levine, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University in New York, authored along with his co-writer Rachel S. F. Heller, the book “Attached”, first published in 2010. He was the first person to put the attachment theory work of John Bowlby (1950’s British psychologist and psychiatrist) into adult romantic relationships. Levine’s work is to help people recognize their style, so they can identify a suitable partner, be more conscious in their relationships and stop self-sabotaging. Knowing what style, we are and that of our partner can be beneficial to understanding how and why we behave the way we do and how to improve on that. The goal would be to overcome the avoidant and anxious attachment style and strive to be secure in our relationships. Anxiously attached people tend to be overly preoccupied with their partners and whether they love them back and avoidants equate intimacy with a loss of independence and use distancing strategies to cope.
According to Levine, Studies done in North America and Europe put 25% of the population as avoidants and 20% anxious. With almost half the population in one of those styles, you can see why there is such a high divorce rate and mental health issues stemming from failed relationships and the toll they have on people. It’s also worth mentioning that a person could have been raised by healthy caregivers and be secure in their relationships, then, enter one with an anxious or avoidant person and come out the other side less secure as well if unaware of attachment styles and the tools required to support each other. This awareness can help both people in the relationship to set healthy boundaries, express emotions, communicate effectively, have more intimacy and meaning in the overall relationship experience. Levine says that there is an assumption that everyone has the “capacity to love in the same way” but our attachment styles act like programming: “It goes much deeper than communication – it affects our perception of the world, without us really knowing it.” He goes on to say one in four people can change over time, because of a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style as they are comfortable, giving and receiving love and can help the other types realize there is no threat. The problem here is that it’s difficult to find single secure people as they are just too good at being in a relationship.
There are numerous relationship therapy and coaching programs to support anxious and avoidant people in becoming more secure on their own prior to entering a relationship. Anxious and avoidant type people are drawn to each other, despite their incompatible styles: as the person seeking closeness works harder to get it, their avoidant partner pulls away, thus reaffirming their separate beliefs that relationships are unfulfilling or restrictive. Levine uses the pop culture example in the film 500 Days of Summer, with Zooey Deschanel’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl character as a textbook avoidant and I also think you could put Dexter Morgan in that category as well. Now that I understand how these attachment styles work, it’s easy to pick out characters in movies and tv shows and match them up with a style. I like to watch reality relationship shows like Temptation Island, Ex on the Beach and Too Hot to Handle as it’s interesting and a great learning experience for me to see how people are drawn to each other, how the drama plays out based on their attachment styles and I can understand where I need to lean in and grow in my own relationships.
Reflecting Back On Relationships
When I got divorced in 2007 and found myself yet again coming out of another failed relationship where it was evident to me that I couldn’t trust men, I felt I kept putting myself in these situations where it came true every time. I didn’t realize that I was a fearful avoidant individual back then and how the divorce contributed even further to my style. I didn’t connect with the fact that I was living my life through so much fear of getting hurt, that it held me back from living a happy life through being vulnerable and intimate, expressing emotions, being assertive and communicating my needs. I admit, and this is not easy to do, that I was not in a good place at all during the first 5 years after my divorce and it showed in my behavior toward others. Had I known that until I learned to trust myself, these relationships would continue to show up in my life as opportunities to make changes. Unfortunately, I didn’t go inward and reflect, instead I self- destructed and hurt others along the way. I have had time since then to shame myself and feel guilty about how I treated people as I started to make changes on myself a few years back, and thankfully that did keep me from dating for the next 6 years as I knew it wasn’t right what I was doing but I didn’t quite understand why I did it.
I was reminded a few weeks ago by my friend Paul, who was witness to my dating crimes those 5 years after my divorce, that I was not a kind to the men I dated. Paul used to call me the Ice Queen because of the way I treated those men. To avoid getting hurt, I would put an expiration date on the relationship up front when I got asked out. I would mention that I would only date them for about 4-6 weeks and was not interested in anything beyond that. Most men took me up on my offer as knowing what I do now, they were mostly anxious types and attracted to the chase and challenge that they could somehow change me. Maybe some of them did it because they didn’t really believe I meant it, but I always followed through and never let the relationship go beyond those 4-6 weeks. It was like I would implode inside if I allowed myself to get to where I had to open myself up to them and for some reason, about 4 weeks into dating someone, I became scared, anxious and shut down. In my mind, I didn’t ghost them as I felt they were warned in the beginning, but the reality is, I did. They found themselves confused when I stopped responding to their calls and texts and I never looked back as I had moved on to the next guy and was repeating the 4-6-week cycle. I’m not proud of this time in my life and looking back, I did that to avoid getting hurt, you know, “I’ll leave them before they can leave me” mentality of an avoidant. This was so unhealthy and hurtful to many people by my fearful avoidant actions I displayed. I tended to flip between being vulnerable and then distant, it really confused them when it suddenly ended. I was so unaware of how this impacted them at the time, I was only focused on avoiding my own feelings if I stayed in the relationship past that expiration date. I didn’t want to deal with any of the emotional discomfort that comes with being in an intimate relationship past this point.
I am sorry for the way I acted with people I cut out of my life so abruptly, and I hope if I ever get the chance, that I can apologize in person. However, my interactions with them was part of their journey too and hopefully they got a message from my mess and became more secure in who they are as well. It has been a painful journey getting here today, but honestly, I don’t regret any of it as there was so much beautiful growth that has come out of it. I am grateful that I eventually found out about attachment styles and without suffering and pain, there is no experiencing love and joy. People always ask me if I’m actively dating and I let them know, that I still have some work to do before I am ready for that again, but I can see the positive shifts I have made and the amazing person I am becoming, expressing myself and learning from the triggers that come up. I am using the fear to guide me more than running from it as I stretch myself more and more. When I am ready, he’s going to be one lucky guy!
If you are interested in learning what your attachment style is, you can go to www.personaldevelopmentschool.com and take the free quiz to find out. Once you know your style, you can then check out Thais Gibson on YouTube and watch her free videos to learn more about yourself. I believe we are here to experience through others and those relationships, whether with family, friends, partners or strangers. How we express ourselves in these relationships, is a direct reflection of where we are at in our overall well-being.